Internet Savant

soaponmylawn: 2012

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:22:26 -0400

soaponmylawn:

2012

Photo

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:16:44 -0400

Had a job interview a couple of days ago. And the guy interviewing me was a pretentious douchebag. I...

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:10:00 -0400

Had a job interview a couple of days ago.

And the guy interviewing me was a pretentious douchebag. I know he was a pretentious douchebag because midway through the interview he starts telling me a twenty minute story about the first time he climbed Mt Kilimanjaro.

All about how when he reached the summit the oneness he felt with all the living creatures in the world. And about becoming a vegan shortly after his trip.

When his story was over he stared wistfully off to the side and asked me if I “ever had a moment where I felt completely at one with the universe.”

I sincerely thought about about it for a few seconds, stared wistfully off to the side, then told him about the time I came home at 3 in the morning and ate a frosty while I was on sitting on the toilet.

Audio

Sat, 18 May 2013 18:42:00 -0400

Hardest part of my job is determining the correct distance a customer has to be away from me before...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:56:00 -0400

Hardest part of my job is determining the correct distance a customer has to be away from me before I can loudly start ridiculing them.nIt’s either that or remembering to use decaf espresso.

I’m the type of guy that shows up to a potluck dinner with a box of eggos and a toaster. A hero.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 23:02:00 -0400

I’m the type of guy that shows up to a potluck dinner with a box of eggos and a toaster. A hero.

Consoling a sad friend. I thought things were going well until she realized I was ripping off the...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:02:05 -0400

Consoling a sad friend. I thought things were going well until she realized I was ripping off the theme song from Arthur.

I didn’t know I was afraid of spiders until earlier this morning when I woke up, I found one...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 10:17:00 -0400

I didn’t know I was afraid of spiders until earlier this morning when I woke up, I found one dangling a few feet above my head. I also didn’t know I could do a back handspring out of bed at 7 in the morning. Apparently I’m full of surprises.

aour: Flume | Left Alone

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:42:00 -0400

aour:

Flume | Left Alone

If I ever won an award, I wouldn’t have a list of people to thank. But I would have an...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 22:28:00 -0400

If I ever won an award, I wouldn’t have a list of people to thank. But I would have an extensive list of people who can go fuck themselves.

A photographer stopped me on Michigan Ave to take my picture so I felt fly as fuck. Then I turned...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 20:32:00 -0400

A photographer stopped me on Michigan Ave to take my picture so I felt fly as fuck. Then I turned around and walked into a glass wall.

The only thing I had to do today was to get my coat from the cleaners. The only thing I...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 17:34:00 -0400

The only thing I had to do today was to get my coat from the cleaners. The only thing I haven’t done today is get my coat from the cleaners.

razorshapes: Ivan Puig - Km7 (2002)

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 14:07:32 -0400

razorshapes:

Ivan Puig - Km7 (2002)

Every time a customer takes 5 seconds to tell me that they’re never coming back again, I wish they’d...

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 21:08:29 -0400

Every time a customer takes 5 seconds to tell me that they’re never coming back again, I wish they’d take another 2 and realize I don’t give a shit.

nymfets: beach demon // wavves seeing...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 10:44:00 -0400

nymfets:

beach demon // wavves

seeing wavvvvvvvvvvvessss tonight.

Photo

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 10:43:00 -0400

An acquaintance of mine, sent out a mass text a couple of minutes ago telling everyone on her...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 21:34:00 -0400

An acquaintance of mine, sent out a mass text a couple of minutes ago telling everyone on her contact list that she was having twins and needed help coming up with cute baby names.

I texted back, “I don’t care what you name the first one, as long as you call the 2nd one REEEEEEeeMIXXXXXXxxx.”

I have been excluded from all subsequent mass texts.

People with music that automatically plays when you go on their blog are the same people that think...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 10:44:36 -0400

People with music that automatically plays when you go on their blog are the same people that think advertisements above urinals are a good idea.

Following some guy with platinum blonde dreads through the grocery store because I can’t...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 22:22:00 -0400

Following some guy with platinum blonde dreads through the grocery store because I can’t decide if he’s a a local shitty rapper or a villain from the matrix.

Either way, I know it must be me that destroys him.

I have a folder of notes on my phone titled Important Stuff. It’s where I write down...

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:42:58 -0400

I have a folder of notes on my phone titled Important Stuff. It’s where I write down information I don’t want to forget. Addresses, recipes, books I want to read, etc.

Here’s an entry from 3:46am last night:

$$$million$$ dollar idea. release a series of self help audiobooks that consist of Samuel L Jackson yelling STOP FUCKING UP over and over.

STOP FUCKING UP!!!! U LISTENING MOTHERFUCKER?!!!!! STOP IT!! STOP! FUCKING! uP!! I KNOW UR THINKING ABOUT DOING IT!

IM TIRED OF THESE SNAKES!!!!