Step 1: Pick up remote.
Step 2: Press and hold the mode button simultaneously with the enter button for exactly one second. Wait for the four mode buttons on the top of the remote to flash twice signifying that you’ve done this part correctly. It flashes. Nice. Now look up the programming code that corresponds with your television brand on this website. Read through about five hundred of these before you realize the list in alphabetical order. After three more minutes, find the code you need. Enter it in and wait for the mode buttons to flash twice. They don’t flash. Enter it in again. They don’t flash. Enter it in again. They don’t flash. Try a different code. They don’t flash. Call cable company. Find out that the remote you have programs every other television in the world but yours and you need a special remote for it to work. Go to the store. Get the damn remote. Repeat the first half of this paragraph all over again. It still doesn’t work. Yell indecipherably.
Hurl remote through television screen.
Step 3: Buy a book.