the milkshakes // soldiers of love
customer 1: sorry for being so picky. im a diva
me: you don’t tip like one
customer 1 : what was that?
customer 1: *squints*
customer 2: i want coffee but I don’t like the taste of coffee. I can’t drink milk. and I haaaaaaaatttee soy. can you get me anything?
me: directions to a different store
customer 3: sugar free? is it sweet?
Unlocking The Truth - Malcolm Brickhouse & Jarad Dawkins
If I could somehow harness the power from the facial expressions my vegan friends make when I tell them I’m going to eat fast food, I’d have the world’s first reliable renewable energy source. If I could harness their sense of self-righteousness, I’d be a god.
And the guy interviewing me was a pretentious douchebag. I know he was a pretentious douchebag because midway through the interview he starts telling me a twenty minute story about the first time he climbed Mt Kilimanjaro.
All about how when he reached the summit the oneness he felt with all the living creatures in the world. And about becoming a vegan shortly after his trip.
When his story was over he stared wistfully off to the side and asked me if I “ever had a moment where I felt completely at one with the universe.”
I sincerely thought about about it for a few seconds, stared wistfully off to the side, then told him about the time I came home at 3 in the morning and ate a frosty while I was on sitting on the toilet.
I’m the type of guy that shows up to a potluck dinner with a box of eggos and a toaster. A hero.