*snapchat of me after the Valentine’s show eating Rally’s and singing Do What You Want To My Body softly to my mushroom swiss burger*
I consider myself a philanthropist because when something has 69 likes, I won’t like it. Even if I do like it. For the greater good.
Bout to drop off my resume attached to a box of wine.
Looking for jobs on Craigslist. Saw an ad for a bar that said “Are you attractive? Do you know what ‘turn up’ means? Apply here.” Bruh. This might be the first time in my entire life that I’m overqualified for a job.
"I don’t need to tag my posts as the Struggle cuz y’all already know."
My shitty apartment doesn’t have any heat. Everytime I go to bed, it’s like that scene in Titanic where Leo dies of hypothermia in the ocean. But instead of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” playing softly in the background, it’s Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life”.
The Unicorns, The Unicorns: 2014
Pretend it’s still December 31st.
De La Soul, “Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa” from De La Soul is Dead (Tommy Boy, 1991)
I never dirty talk. If a girl is about to have sex with me, nothing I say is going to improve the situation. It can only hurt it. That’s why after a certain point of a date I stop talking and communicate solely through a series of winks.
Me giving my future son relationship advice. Or me concluding my keynote commencement speech at Columbia Law School. Haven’t decided yet. These are the decisions future me will have to wrestle over.
My mother always stresses the importance of being productive and using every hour in a day. I spent most of today convincing white people my name is spelled “K-a-h-l-o-l”.