If I could somehow harness the power from the facial expressions my vegan friends make when I tell them I’m going to eat fast food, I’d have the world’s first reliable renewable energy source. If I could harness their sense of self-righteousness, I’d be a god.
Why Dont you like
my text posts
And the guy interviewing me was a pretentious douchebag. I know he was a pretentious douchebag because midway through the interview he starts telling me a twenty minute story about the first time he climbed Mt Kilimanjaro.
All about how when he reached the summit the oneness he felt with all the living creatures in the world. And about becoming a vegan shortly after his trip.
When his story was over he stared wistfully off to the side and asked me if I “ever had a moment where I felt completely at one with the universe.”
I sincerely thought about about it for a few seconds, stared wistfully off to the side, then told him about the time I came home at 3 in the morning and ate a frosty while I was on sitting on the toilet.
I’m the type of guy that shows up to a potluck dinner with a box of eggos and a toaster. A hero.
Consoling a sad friend. I thought things were going well until she realized I was ripping off the theme song from Arthur.
A photographer stopped me on Michigan Ave to take my picture so I felt fly as fuck. Then I turned around and walked into a glass wall.