I've come across a blog
that perfectly encapsulates everything that’s wrong with tumblr. Is it a parody? Is it real? Should I laugh? Should I cry? Is it so ironic my brain can’t even comprehend what’s going on? Once you click it, your cursor turns into a god damn jar of nutella. So many questions. The first of which is why? Why God, why?
so apparently it’s not cool to use a girl’s leg stubble to scratch an itch. Who knew?
[[MORE]]My monitor keeps getting worse and worse. The colors are so fucking distorted. Everything looks like someone applied an instagram filter to it. Quick! Somebody post a picture of food, so I know what it feels like to own an iphone. A latte with foam shaped like a heart will also work.
Programming your remote control in three simple...
Step 1: Pick up remote. Step 2: Press and hold the mode button simultaneously with the enter button for exactly one second. Wait for the four mode buttons on the top of the remote to flash twice signifying that you’ve done this part correctly. It flashes. Nice. Now look up the programming code that corresponds with your television brand on this website. Read through about five hundred of...
It’s not fun if everybody’s laughing.– Patrice O’Neal
[[MORE]]The IT guy just told me he was a “keyboard shortcut junkie”. And I was like, “Oh yeah, I of heard of that. I think that’s the only type of junkie I’m not supposed to feel sorry for. But I still do.”
Daytime court shows are really just half-hour commercials advertising Walmart’s “formal” collection.
Internet: What if I told you friendzoning is bullshit because girls are not machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.
Me: You’re so right. A machine would give you a refund.
I treat relationships like a marathon.
Keep a steady pace. Drink early and often. And I try not to shit myself until I’m sure it’s almost over.
Shame nap - my life.
polaroid-world-deactivated20120 asked: Your blog today's been the kind of funny I wish I was (sucking up)
Shame nap - Googling how to spell “restaurant”.
Shame nap - Like regular nap, but you feel like you need a shower afterwords.
I'm the first person in all of tumblr to tag a...
Books I’m thinking about using my Amazon gift card on just so I can hollow it out and put a flask in it. The Face Of Failure by Octave Thanet The Failing Hope by TS Arthur Degenerate by George Williams Little Fuzzy by H. Beam Piper Three to Get Deadly by Janet Evanovich One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez Before I Go to Sleep by S.J. Watson Breakfast of...
[[MORE]]I’ve stopped explaining the actual function of me wearing a do-rag to inquisitive friends, and started saying “it’s so I can scare white people”. Because I mean, really, what else am I doing?
I wonder when I go to Hell if I’ll be reunited with my deleted text posts and untagged facebook pictures. Cause that’s where I hope I sent them.
Ideally, all my text posts would be tagged “lol,” but I have nowhere near that amount of self-confidence.
The most important trait I look for in a potential girlfriend is the ability to look past my glaring personality defects.
Everyone wants their tattoo
to have some type of story behind it. But everyone’s story is the same. You were drunk and had $50 or you’re pretentious and you like explaining things.
I wonder if she looks this attractive in real life because I know I don’t.
[[MORE]]Someone just described me as a foul-mouthed Carlton Banks. And you know what? I couldn’t really argue with them. Fucking asshole.
Just had a long conversation with someone who was offended by one of my posts. Together we deconstructed the entire idea of a joke and at the end of it, both agreed that I’m not funny.
I woke up today
and found out there’s a youtube video of me drunkenly rapping Gucci Gucci behind a 7-11. I officially can never run for President.
[[MORE]]Taking a timeout from hanging my NBA inspired “Where Amazing Happens” poster over my bed to remind myself that I am an adult.
I don't have
[[MORE]]the kind of allergies that puts a physical strain on my daily life. I have the kind that get’s me out of hanging out with annoying friends. The best kind.
[[MORE]]I think my tumblr career peaked shortly after I came up with the title of my blog.
I use my penis to overcompensate for my shitty car.
Girl: Ugh, why is your car so shitty?
Me: Because I have a gigantic penis.
Just so you know, I drive a 1989 Ford Festiva with a broken sunroof and a duct taped passenger window.
[[MORE]]Why are people on makeover shows so cool with everything? All of your closest friends and family got together and decided that all of your clothes are so fucking hideous that instead of talking to you about it, they went behind your back and got professional help. It’s like an intervention, but instead of drugs, they’re worried about being seen with you in public.