Where does one sign up for an orgy? Is there a facebook invite?
My little brother
just compared accidentally walking into me naked coming out of the shower looking for a towel in the linen closet, to that scene in Signs when you finally see the alien for the first time. But he said, the alien in the movie actually looked like he cared about what he looked like with his shirt off.
This mix. All day. Straight out the dungeons of... →
the best year in hip-hop. Tracklist: 1. Craig Mack f. Notorious B.I.G. & Busta Rhymes – Flava in Ya Ear (remix) 2. O.C. – Time’s Up (DJ Ayres blend) 3. Nas – N.Y. State of Mind 4. Notorious B.I.G. – Unbelievable 5. Jeru tha Damaja – D. Original 6. Gangstarr f. Jeru & Lil Dap – Speak Ya Clout 7. Artifacts – Wrong Side of Da Tracks 8. Smif N Wessun – Bucktown 9. Organized Konfusion –...
when you pull that special someone to the side, look her right in the eye, and tell her, that if shit starts “popping off” she better be able to run as fast as you can, because you’re not stopping.
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? You answered: Someone throws a benefit concert.
Text exchange after I drunkenly and not so subtly...
Friend: Why would you do that?
Me: Because I'm a booty philanthropist.
Me: An ass point guard.
Me: Dick assistant.
Me: Cock deblocker.
Me: And all-around nice guy.
I’m surprised Morgan Freeman isn’t narrating his own montage.
Two of my exes just friended each other on Facebook, and now, I finally understand what Bruce Wayne was going through when the Riddler and Two-Face teamed up in Batman Forever.
[[MORE]]Some people see my incessant need to bring my laptop into the bathroom with me as a disgusting habit. I see it more as an unflinching commitment to multitasking.
Waiting in line at subway
Freshman1: Do you know which fraternity you're going to join?
Freshman2: Weeeellll, my older brother is a Beta. My father is a Beta. His father is a Bet..
Me: Wow, you never had a chance. You're 3rd generation douche.
I want the weatherman to be real one day and say, ‘Here’s the forecast for the next couple of months: It’s going to be cold. It’s going to be windy. And it might snow. So, keep wearing the same shit you’ve worn all winter. And I’ll see you in March.’
[[MORE]]When I have kids, and they get to that age when they need to know about sex, instead of having an extremely uncomfortable conservation, I’ll just let them borrow my laptop without clearing the browser history. And let google’s autofill feature do, what I’m unwilling to.
I would have pants on right now, but the Pizza Tracker thing lied to me.– talking to the delivery guy.
My 6 year old nephew
Teacher: Do any of you know what you want to be when you grow up?
Nephew: My uncle said don't make the same mistakes he did, pick a job with groupies.