An old friend
I haven’t spoke to in years messaged me on facebook inviting me and a few others to stay the weekend for New Years at a mansion his parents recently bought. My reply to his gracious invitation.. “Nah, son. I’ve seen that horror movie.”
Me: Yeah, so, then right when she walks in you do something subtle like turning on Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On".
Friend: What's subtle about that?
Me: You subtly take your pants off while she's distracted by the music.
tumblr — where Sylvia Plath quotes go to die.
There’s a “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” marathon on television today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!
Watching the obligatory drunk, crying girl at the...
Random guy: What's she sad about?
Me: Maybe she realized that her life has been a series of bad decisions that have propelled her into a self-destructive lifestyle.
Me: Maybe she's tired of following social norms and adhering to a ridiculous double-standard.
Me: *shrug* ...maybe it's Maybelline.
[[MORE]]At a house party the other night. Things are winding down and everyone is sitting in a circle in the living room. There’s a lull in the conversation. Some guy who no one knows is sitting in the corner and hasn’t said anything to anyone for the past two hours looks up from his feet, stares at me, and says, “Don’t drop acid in the woods.” Then scans the room,...
I don’t know if you heard from all the complaining I’ve done on various forms of social media, but my laptop stopped working yesterday. And I’ve spent today trying to come up other uses for it. Here’s what I came up with: A $1500 doorstop A $1500 night light A $1500 bed warmer A $1500 prop for my mom to remind me that she told me not to spend so much A $1500 thing I...
I think you can quantify how stupid a television show is, by how stupid you feel explaining major plot points to another person. “Ok, so this family moves into this house and it’s haunted or something. And there’s a weird guy in a rubber S&M costume popping up at random intervals doing creepy shit. Oh, there’s also this crippled burn unit, Harvey Dent looking guy...
There should be two self checkout lines. One for people who know what the fuck they’re doing. And another one for people who need to be prevented from ever having children.
No, I don’t know what I’m doing for New Years. But I do know, wherever I do decide to go, I’ll be disappointed and heavily intoxicated.
I watched a shit-ton of horror films this year....
Final Destination: For the agoraphobic conspiracy theorist in all of us. Insidious: Haven’t shit your pants in awhile.. Darth Maul can help. The Roommate: Only watch this movie if you hate yourself. (I saw it twice) I Saw The Devil: Badass. Hobo With A Shotgun: A heartwarming tale about a Mother Teresa loving, vigilante vangrant out for justice. Attack The Block: Attacked my heart...
[[MORE]]I drunkenly made a movie last night. I would post it on the internet, but I have the feeling if I ever want to get a job again, that wouldn’t be in my best interests. So, I’ll just describe it to you guys: The first 20 minutes I had left the lens cap on. The last hour in a half, I’m hyperventilating in the corner, lipsynching Jessie J.
I’m drunk. alone in my apartment. and ive been hearing weird noises ever since I got home. Now I’m walking around with a camcorder and a baseball bat, because if horror movies have taught me anything, If im the one holding the camera,I’lll at least make it to the final scene.
“C’mon, man. There’s 13.3 million unemployed people in this country and there’s still a negative connotation about ‘selling out’? I’m fuckin broke, up to my neck in student loans and I got a shitty job. I’d sell out in a heartbeat. In fact, I’m selling out right now. This rant is brought to you by the good people at Shut The Fuck Up and their top selling product Get Out Of My...
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I’m beginning to think that tumblr is just David Karp’s elaborate attempt to make occasionally having a boob or two appear on your laptop screen socially acceptable.
Ever see stupid shit on your dashboard, so you click the person’s name to figure out what on earth possessed you to follow them. Then you get to their page, and that’s when you realize, “Ooooooooh, that right. She’s incredibly hot. And I’m a superficial moron.” Let the inane Glee gif posting continue.
To fit in at cool bars, I sit in the corner and tweet about all the fun I’m having.
What happens when I black out ashley: He’s doing it again. mike: Drunk Tom Brokaw impression? ashley: Yea. mike: I’m coming.
I haven’t crossed the line yet?? Ok. Give me 30 seconds. I’ll take...– 30 seconds before the flirty texts I was sending got awkward.