Me and my girlfriend are both trying to see who can hook up with Alice Glass tonight. We walked out the door, shook hands, and said, “May the best man win…” Secrets for a successful relationship: Turn infidelity into a competition.
“No one’s better at the courageous, hope filled gaze slightly to the left of the camera than Obama. But who’s he staring at? Is it the ghost of Lincoln fending off masses of terrorists with a log? A bald eagle shitting freedom? Roosevelt wrestling a bear??
I WANNA KNOW!!”—me
Discussing the impeding government shutdown: What do you think.. they going to pull it out at the last minute? I don’t know. Does anybody ever successfully pull it out at the last minute?? That’s how bitches get pregnant..
“Porn… bringing nations together for over 35,000 years. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s when Wikipedia tells me the first drawings were created by humans. And I’m just going to assume that the first drawings ever recorded where of somebody’s boobs.”—a quote from Runandblogthat
“I just woke up from a dream where I was in the movie Inception. And now that I’m up, I don’t know if my dream was actually a dream. Or if all of this is a dream. Or if I’m in somebody else’s dream dreaming about this drea… I think the moral of this post is don’t fall asleep to the dvd title menu of Inception.”—me
“[A Tribe Called Quest is] for them whole foods shoppin 100% natural orange juice drinkin ass niggas. Much love to my gangstas with costcos cards.”
Hold the fuckin’ phone… real gangsta’s don’t drink 100% natural orange juice??!! haha I guess it’s a good thing all I drink is expired malt liquor and diabetes inducing levels of kool-aid!! I don’t even know what juice is! Real gangstas get scurvy!!! FUCK VITAMIN C! It’s for those punkass book readin’ ass niggas.
“When I come across a tumblr user who says they “always follow back”. I always have to weigh potential possibility of a new follower versus how annoying seeing their shit on my dash would be… Is one follower really worth waking up to 50 Glee related gifs?”—i mean, forreal tho
“Why do I always feel like everyone around me is having way more intelligent conversations than I am?? The table to my right… discussing the revolution in Libya. The table to my left… discussing various French enlightenment thinkers. My table… discussing whatever happened to Dunk-a-roos.”—me