Looking for jobs on Craigslist. Saw an ad for a bar that said “Are you attractive? Do you know what ‘turn up’ means? Apply here.” Bruh. This might be the first time in my entire life that I’m overqualified for a job.
My shitty apartment doesn’t have any heat. Everytime I go to bed, it’s like that scene in Titanic where Leo dies of hypothermia in the ocean. But instead of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” playing softly in the background, it’s Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life”.
“I never dirty talk. If a girl is about to have sex with me, nothing I say is going to improve the situation. It can only hurt it. That’s why after a certain point of a date I stop talking and communicate solely through a series of winks.”—Me giving my future son relationship advice. Or me concluding my keynote commencement speech at Columbia Law School. Haven’t decided yet. These are the decisions future me will have to wrestle over.
Halloween. At a bar. Some costume contest is going on. An overly insistent bro wearing a children's Spongebob outfit kept asking me why I'm not wearing a costume. I told him I was wearing a costume. He started blankly at my clothes and asked who was I supposed to be. I stared blankly back and replied, "someone who wants to remain a sexually viable option to women."
Occasionally drunk me is a genius. I don’t know if it’s a certain combination of booze that makes magic happen. But when the magic does happen, watch out world.
Here are two things drunk me learned the other night.
They’re making a Jurassic Park sequel.
Ray Arnold’s (Samuel L Jackson’s character) death never happens on screen. You just see a dismembered black man’s arm, but that’s it.
With these two morsels of knowledge, drunk me, has figured out the entire plot of the new movie. What follows is a pieced together recollection of what I yelled at a group of strangers and a few of my friends.
"Stay the fuck with me here!!!! Ray Arnold. He never died. Maybe he did loose a fucking arm but he’s still alive!!! Everyone just forgot about his black ass for 3 movies! Okay! And he’s been alone on the island for 20 long years. And yeah, he’s gone a little crazy. But wouldn’t you if your entire existence for the past 20 years has been a cat and mouse game with a group of murderous, door knob opening velociraptors? Whatever! Whatever! Anyways. Ray is pissed. People have been back to the island couple of times but no one ever thought to look for him. So now Ray is looking for them. He’s assembled an army of dinosaurs. Got some boats. I don’t know how it’s a fucking a plot hole someone else figure it out! It doesn’t matter. He made his way back to the States. And he has a massive dinosaur army."
After that monologue I start describing the trailer.
"I don’t remember the other movies or what other characters are alive. But it starts at one of their houses. One of the people that forgot about Ray. They’re asleep in bed. The camera slowly zooms to the glass of water by their night stand. Boom. The water ripples. The unconscious person rolls the other side of the bed. Boom. The water ripples. The person yawns. Boom. The water ripples. The person sits up, rubs their eyes, put on their glasses. Boom. The water ripples. THEN THE ENTIRE FUCKIN ROOF IS RIPPED OF THEIR HOUSE!! THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND IT’S SAMUEL FUCKING JACKSON RIDING A MOTHERFUCKIN TREX! The screen goes black. But you can still hear the carnage and the screams happening. When the screams stop. The screen comes back. The camera is focused on the cup of water from before, but now it’s a cup of blood. The screen goes black again. The Jurassic Park theme song starts. When screen returns the title of the movie is displayed."