[[MORE]]Had a job interview a couple of days ago. And the guy interviewing me was a pretentious douchebag. I know he was a pretentious douchebag because midway through the interview he starts telling me a twenty minute story about the first time he climbed Mt Kilimanjaro. All about how when he reached the summit the oneness he felt with all the living creatures in the world. And about becoming a...
[[MORE]]Hardest part of my job is determining the correct distance a customer has to be away from me before I can loudly start ridiculing them.nIt’s either that or remembering to use decaf espresso.
I’m the type of guy that shows up to a potluck dinner with a box of eggos and a toaster. A hero.
Consoling a sad friend. I thought things were going well until she realized I was ripping off the theme song from Arthur.
[[MORE]]I didn’t know I was afraid of spiders until earlier this morning when I woke up, I found one dangling a few feet above my head. I also didn’t know I could do a back handspring out of bed at 7 in the morning. Apparently I’m full of surprises.
aour: Flume | Left Alone
[[MORE]]If I ever won an award, I wouldn’t have a list of people to thank. But I would have an extensive list of people who can go fuck themselves.
A photographer stopped me on Michigan Ave to take my picture so I felt fly as fuck. Then I turned around and walked into a glass wall.
[[MORE]]The only thing I had to do today was to get my coat from the cleaners. The only thing I haven’t done today is get my coat from the cleaners.
Every time a customer takes 5 seconds to tell me that they’re never coming back again, I wish they’d take another 2 and realize I don’t give a shit.
nymfets: beach demon // wavves seeing...
[[MORE]]An acquaintance of mine, sent out a mass text a couple of minutes ago telling everyone on her contact list that she was having twins and needed help coming up with cute baby names. I texted back, “I don’t care what you name the first one, as long as you call the 2nd one REEEEEEeeMIXXXXXXxxx.” I have been excluded from all subsequent mass texts.
People with music that automatically plays when you go on their blog are the same people that think advertisements above urinals are a good idea.
[[MORE]]Following some guy with platinum blonde dreads through the grocery store because I can’t decide if he’s a a local shitty rapper or a villain from the matrix. Either way, I know it must be me that destroys him.
I have a folder of notes on my phone titled Important Stuff. It’s where I write down information I don’t want to forget. Addresses, recipes, books I want to read, etc. Here’s an entry from 3:46am last night: $$$million$$ dollar idea. release a series of self help audiobooks that consist of Samuel L Jackson yelling STOP FUCKING UP over and over. STOP FUCKING UP!!!! U...
I have an idea for a kickstarter. It’s a crisis center for people who are thinking about getting gauges.
thespithouse: Lee Moses - Bad Girl
Hi, tumblr. I missed you.
[[MORE]]My friend is an art major and she asked to a portrait of me for a project. She told me to wear whatever I want and to bring any items that would help capture my “essence”. So I brought a bottle of Jameson and the shoe box I keep under my bed with Bail money written on the side of it with permanent marker that I hide all my tips in.
Awhile ago I heard a guy using the word...
So obviously I mercilessly ridiculed him and started saying it ironically to friends and family members. That was two months ago. It’s no longer funny. Now I’m just some jackass saying appreesh. Help.
[[MORE]]I take this shortcut home everyday after work. It’s through an abandoned parking lot. And part of me knows that if I’m ever going to get mugged, it’s going to be right here, alone, in the dark, with these skinny jeans and this dumbass peacoat I have on. And I’ve known this for awhile now. But the only thing I’ve done differently with my commute, is try and...
I should get braids.
An elderly gentleman mispronounced my name as “Coolio,” and I didn’t correct him because I wanted to see what it was like to live in a world where that was true.
[ redacted ] Luckily my asshole [ redacted ] was tingling.
Almost made the mistake of jaywalking in front of the campus police. Luckily my asshole sense was tingling.
Still don’t know what DIY means. Nobody tell me though. I want to figure it out by myself.
babyonce asked: BLOG MORE.
The previous post was a cautionary tale about believing in yourself. Don’t do it.
Earlier today I took the case off my iphone because it was bulky and looked stupid. I believe my exact reasoning was something like, “I’m an adult. I pay taxes. I’m not going to drop my phone anymore. I believe in myself.” About 5 minutes ago, I slipped on a sheet of ice and dropped my entire body on my phone.
If mandolin man beats me up, I’ll delete my blog.
I’ve been heckling some guy playing the mandolin all night because I’m an asshole.
I can always tell how Pitchfork approved a band is by how many nearsighted people with square glasses show up at their concert.
Wait. No. A group of black people just sat by me. Now I’m associated with them because of racism.
I’m drinking alone at a bar waiting on my friends. I look like an alcoholic.
This may be a bit premature, but I’m going to go ahead and file the next few years of my life as “character building”.
Spent the last 10 minutes googling to see if Sofia Vegara was the parrot in Aladdin. The results will surprise you.
Top 10 Pauly Shore Movies
1. Bio-dome 2 Requiem For A Dream 3. Casablanca 4. Glory 5. Imdb