WebMD search: If eat this half pound of pastrami I forgot in my bag during my 9 hour drive from New York will I die?

The closest thing I have to a personal mantra are the lyrics to Tweet’s “Oops”.

This is important.

Cause of death: $10 minimums.

55,857 plays

(Source: 8morality8, via moviesludge)

Spent the morning in East Harlem. Befriended the local youths. They’ve nicknamed me “Girl Pants”.

Every bouncer in Brooklyn laughs audibly every time they see my Ohio ID. One of them refused to pat me down. “Get yo Ohio-ass inside.”

Live everyday like you only have 2 hours left of Spotify Premium free trial.

I raised awareness for #ALS by drunkenly biking into a parked car the other night and knocking the side mirror off.

There are sophomores with more facial hair than I have ever seen on you in my biology class.

a text from my 13 year old niece

My new roommates put cucumber slices in their pitchers of water. This must be what it’s like to be on MTV Cribs.

The Supreme Genius of King Khan and The Shrines

497 plays

(Source: i-d-s-t)

I feel like a batman villain. I don’t need a room full of hostages to rob a bank. Just book 5 and a megaphone.

Some asshole started writing Game of Thrones spoilers with chalk on their stoop.

It was me.

I’m the asshole.

Stay out of my block.

The tip jar at my job now says, ‘You do you, boo boo’.